Arachnids are the worst. I don’t care how much they help us by eating tiny bugs: they’re creepy, they’re frightening, and they’re unwelcome. Unfortunately, these eight-legged denizens of hell frequently make their way from the real world into video games. I’m here to personally call them out in the hopes that players around the world with take notice of this plight and join my endeavor to crush the ever-living bejesus out of each and every one of them. Take warning: this list is not for the faint of heart. Every freak on this list will smell your fear and use it against you in the worst way. Let’s scuttle right in.
Armogohma- The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
Gohma has appeared in a vast number of Zelda titles over the years, but Armogohma holds truest to a proper spider’s appearance…and biggest weakness. Link must shoot her solitary eye to knock the beast from the ceiling, then possess a stone statue to bring down its fist in a crushing blow: spider-slaying done right!
Black Tiger- Resident Evil
Big spider, small arena: it’s the worst of both worlds when you encounter this walking monstrosity. To make matters worse, you’re just a regular person: no superpowers, no magic, no nothing. It’s just you and your guns against this nasty nightmare. No thanks.
The Duke’s Dear Freja- Dark Souls 2
Spiders are frightening enough with one face, but Freja the freaky was somehow blessed with two. Both ends of this dark disgrace spend their time trying to bite down on you, leaving little time with swing away at the exposed mandibles. You also have to fend off her children who come crawling to her aid. This fight is definitely a mother…
Nimhe- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Giant spiders are bad. Dwemer ruins are bad. Putting a giant spider inside a Dwemer ruin is nigh unspeakable. Players who ventured into the depths of Nchuand-Zel at a low level were likely a quick snack for this disgusting mass of fur, feeders, and web.
Quelaag- Dark Souls
What is more terrifying than a spider that sprays you with webs? Quite simply, one who sprays you with lava. This half-spider/half-woman abomination haunts the depths of Blighttown, just waiting to fill you with her vile eggs and leave you crawling in agony like the rest of the miserable husks that litter her domain. Blegh!!!!
Bospider- Mega Man X
There’s nothing worse than an annoying arachnid…except for one that you can’t squash. Bospider spends its battle trying to crush you beneath its web of death by dancing down every criss-crossing strand. It even throws eggs at you that have baby robot spiders inside them. Come to think of it, how does that even work? Freakin’ spiders are the worst.
Don’t let her looks fool you: this cute creepy crawly wants nothing more than to devour you whole! Her invitation to tea doesn’t make mention that you are the crumpet. If trapped in her web, players will have to decide for themselves whether to squash or spare her. I might be a bit biased, but I recommend the former.
Spider-Man- Spider-Man games
Of all the powers to grant a superhero, they chose a spider theme…Peter Parker might walk and talk like a civilian, but who knows what other morbid abilities he inherited from his sickening siblings that we just haven’t seen yet! Flesh-eating venom? Drinking their blood? Perhaps the upcoming Spider-Man game will reveal the truth about this masked menace.
Spider Queen- Divinity: Original Sin
This gargantuan monstrosity haunts the desert north of Silverglen, replete with legions of her scuttling children to assist her. As if her size wasn’t enough to demoralize you, a raging sandstorm blows throughout the entire battle and hinders your ability to fight. It was a satisfying victory when I finally squashed the queen beneath my mighty greatsword.
Nosk- Hollow Knight
The horror and claustrophobia of the Deepnest wasn’t enough for Team Cherry: they just HAD to up the ante by populating it with one of the game’s creepiest bosses. From it’s eerie masquerade as a copy of you (The Knight) to its grotesque transformation into its true form, Nosk is a truly nightmare-inducing enemy who I never want to fight again.
Okay, the list is done! Blegh!!! I’m out! Let me know your thoughts, yada yada, game on, etc. I need to go watch a happy movie.